When Life Gives You Lemons ...

For the last four months I have been struggling with a bad back and nerve pain that radiates down my left leg and into my foot. It has been pretty severe at times, and I have needed prescription pain killers. But even with them, standing, walking and sleeping have been painful and difficult. To be in so much pain and to be so immobile for so long, has been incredibly frustrating and depressing – I worried that I would never walk again, never get out into the woods again, walk the dog, or even just leave the house! My mental health plummeted and I had some dark days where it all seemed very pointless, but this in turn led me to reflect on my life and who I am, who I really am – not the mask I wear for other people, but the real me deep inside, the one who’s been hiding for far too long. I thought about the relationships in my life – who was important, who wasn’t, who had hurt me and why. Big emotions rose to the surface and I wrote them all down in my journal – this was my therapy, this untangled all the mixed up thoughts and feelings that make up my brain, and all the experiences that have brought me to this point in life. What did I want to do next, where did I want to live, did I want to restart my business or was there something else I wanted to try, were there people whom I needed to let go of, relationships that caused more pain than pleasure, people who had too long taken advantage of my tolerance? There was so much to sift through, but I had that much time on my hands it soon became something to look forward to – just me and my journal propped on one knee because I couldn’t even sit in a normal manner, let alone at the table!

It’s funny how life often presents you with situations at just the right time – one of my brother’s children are getting married this year, but for some reason I am not privy to, I am not invited. The rest of my family are, just not me. This hurt me deeply coming from my own family - why would they to do such a thing? I do not have answer to that, but looking back on my relationship with my brother and sister in law, it has always been a little strained and one sided - on my twenty first birthday my mum drove up to visit and on the way she called in to remind my brother to get me a card. I never saw my brother that day and I never received a card, he simply could not be bothered. This is a pattern that has repeated over and over for years and has resulted in contact with my nieces and nephews also being sporadic and one sided; therefore, this snub should come as no surprise really. Once the initial hurt and anger had subsided, I sat quietly and decided to draw a line under that relationship and let it go. I am making a stand for myself because I do not deserve to be treated that way – none of us do and we should all make that stand if necessary.

As for who I am, I cannot answer that exactly - can any of us? I know I am not a Christian, but I am not a Pagan either, I’m somewhere in between, I think. My spirituality is my own and does not need a label, I do not need to follow any crowd or fit in with any group. I am very much an individual who prefers to look for new paths, rather than follow the ones society says I am supposed to. I like change and am a little rebellious. I will always stand up for others and call people out for unkind behaviour, even if it gets me kicked out of certain circles! I have come to realise that I have spent a lifetime trying to fit in, trying to find a tribe of likeminded people who I can feel a real connection with. Now it’s time to take the mask off, stop people pleasing, and create my own tribe. If you’re the rebellious type that likes to question everything then come join me! 

I have also had lots of thoughts about my business. I had considered giving it up altogether as it has never felt right somehow, but during my daily writings I realised where I had gone wrong – I was busy trying to create a business that wasn’t me - I had been wearing a mask again. I want my business to reflect who I am and what I believe, I want it to be my passion. I don’t want to sell a load of stuff from the same few wholesalers that everyone else uses, stuff that I wouldn’t want myself. I want to concentrate on my handcrafted items because that is where my passion lies, each item is made with my heart and soul, with the intention of helping the recipient in some way, even if it’s just to make them smile. I love the creative process and hope that is reflected in the end product.  I will also keep on writing because that is something else I love to do – some will say I’ve always had far too much to say for myself! 

Most of all I would like to create a space where people from all different walks of life and with different spiritual beliefs can come and mingle, without feeling the need to fit in and with absolutely no fear of being judged or coerced into thinking or feeling any particular way. I want a place where we can all discuss what we think, feel and believe and where we can find support in our darker hours.

So, going forward, I do plan to reinstate my website, but there will be no more third party products, instead I will sell my own handcrafted items, and only mine. I will still have my blog page and also a page where you can view previous creations and contact me if you fancy a chat about having something bespoke made. Alongside my website I will have my Facebook page and that is where I hope to create my community. I am not sure exactly how this is going to work, but I suspect it will involve me coming out from behind the computer screen – that one is something I need to work up to as I’m still rather self-conscious. I have so many ideas and creations in my head, but I need a little time to heal and return to some sort of normality. I am getting there gradually, I’m doing more and more each day, so just bear with me.

They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade. I finally understand what they mean – I could have sat and wallowed in self-pity, but instead I chose to use the down time to look inside, to reflect, and make some changes. If you’ve got lemons in your life right now, remember that there are lessons in every experience, even in the negative ones. I can highly recommend journalling, especially during such times – just write whatever you are feeing and remember nobody else needs to see it, it’s just for you to get everything out. You might even have an epiphany!